Let's get one thing straight

I love Erma Bombeck. But I ain't her. Unfortunately. OMG. That's the first time I ever wrote "ain't."

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Don't they make fairies and mythies for us 40-somethings?

The Easter Bunny will be dropping by to fill my daughter's basket this year. Judging by our conversation tonight, it will probably be the last year.

"Mama, in a way the Easter Bunny is better than Santa because kids don't have to stress about how good they've been. I mean he doesn't bring Nintendos or anything. It's just candy."

Hm. She's right.

Then she asked if Santa spies on kids all year long with hidden cameras. The Erin Andrews peephole video came to mind. I shuddered. I quickly regained composure and found what every homeschooling parent is constantly on the lookout for -- an opportunity to teach.

So I explained to her that the Fourth Amendment protects us from unreasonable search and seizure. That simply updating a naught or nice list wouldn't give Santa probable cause to spy on kids and that judges would not allow a search warrant to be issued to allow for hidden cameras, etc.

"I'm not sure how the Patriot Act affects things." I added. "I don't think it would come into play unless the kid or his parents were suspected terrorists." I was pretty proud of myself. I could feel myself beaming.

Until I noticed her eyes had glassed over.

"Let's change the subject," she said, stretching and yawning.

After tucking her into bed, I stayed up late and thought about it. I found out from a helpful neighborhood kid about Santa when I was only 5. Now that I'm nearly almost technically exactly in my mid-40s, I'd like to recapture some of those youthful myths, with an adult twist of course.

Leprechaun -- Instead of leading you to a pot of gold, how about to a pot of argan oil to tame those wild gray hairs that always stand up on top of your head?

The Easter Bunny --The bunny from our childhood needs to be replaced by a more mature hare that leaves sugar free candies with a responsible note warning that if you eat too many, you're subject to experience booty blowout.

Santa Claus -- Meno Paus leaves bad women on hormonal tirades hot bags of coals in their bed covers to make them sweat excessively at night. BUT, a good woman gets an ice bag and Spanx stuffed with estrogen cream.

How does Meno Paus know who has been naughty? Duh. Some jerk filmed you and uploaded it to YouTube. He also monitors your Facebook status.

Maybe Rankin-Bass Productions would use their 1970s stop animation techniques to make a Meno Paus cartoon to air on the new Oprah Winfrey Network. (I hope they use Mickey Rooney as the voice of Meno!)

The Tooth Fairy -- At this stage, I could really go for a Wrinkle Fairy. Upon examination of a sleeping face, the Wrinkle Fairy would realize that the fine lines and indentations there don't coincide with any on the pillowcase and she'd get to work nipping, tucking and stretching to restore smooth, wrinkle free skin. And in case there's any doubt the real Wrinkle Fairy has been there, she should leave a jar of eye cream under my pillow.

I'm okay with being older. I'm glad to have learned some valuable life lessons. But it sure wouldn't hurt to kick back and enjoy a new twist on some old myths either!

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